The last thing I saw on TV last night, was “The roast of Charlie Sheen.” Had a few good laughs, but was too tired; closed my eyes and fell asleep.
Then I had the weirdest dream about Charlie Sheen.
In the dream, Charlie Sheen was God and I was a nincompoop journalist. He was sitting an a fluffy cloud, wearing a long white robe with a cocktail (with an umbrella) on his hand and an iPad in front of him. I saw the iPad home screen, there were choices:
- Create a human
- Create an animal
- Create a half human, half animal (Lawyers, Politicians)
- Tap once for earthquake
- Tap twice for hurricane
- Sprinkle some water on the screen for flood
- Smite!
Here’s how the interview went:
Charlie Almighty: Make it snappy, I have a few porn– errr, celebrity stars to create.
Me: Are you wearing anything under that robe?
Charlie Almighty: Nada! Do I need to? How else do I test my porn– err, creations? -Sips a drink-
Me: I didn’t know alcohol exist in heaven?
Charlie Almighty: Who do you think created alcohol, dummy?
Me: Okay, fair enough. Who is your best creation?
Charlie Almighty: Myself, who do you think?
Me: I was thinking one of your Goddesses, but good point. Wait, how did you create yourself? You didn’t exist before then you created yourself, wait, what? I’m confused.
Charlie Almighty: That “no beginning, no the end” thingy I wrote on my best seller. Read up. -Sips some more-
Me: Ok. How about 9/11. Why, oh why, did you let it happen?
Charlie Almighty: I got drunk. I didn’t watch over the world for a day and you humans really screwed things up!
Me: You? Get drunk?
Charlie Almighty: Again, that’s why I invented alcohol, dummy. Why, oh why would I invent alcohol if I don’t want to get drunk?
Me: Okay, doesn’t make sense but… why do you still have a drink in your hand? You get drunk, we “humans” screw things up, don’t we?
Charlie Almighty: It’s okay, I’ve learned my lesson. I used lower alcohol proof mix. Don’t worry.
Me: Should I be worried?
Charlie Almighty: Didn’t I just say not to worry? I thought I was the drunk one, Jesus!
Jesus: Yes?
Charlie Almighty: Sorry, my bad. Got caught up with human phrases again. By the way, say hi to my dummy journalist, Dave.
Jesus: Hi Dave!
Me: Hello! Wow! Can I schedule a confession?
Jesus: No need to confess, I already know all your sins. You admire my dad’s “special creations—”
Me: Okay! Okay, back to the interview. How may drinks did you have during world war one? World war two?
Charlie Almighty: Uhmm… Couldn’t remember. All I know was, St. Peter was tugging me saying, “Wake up! The humans are screwing things up again!”
Me: What took you so long to stop it?
Charlie Almighty: Hangover, my boy. Took a while to get me sober.
Me: Really? Can’t you snap your fingers and make the hangover go away?
Charlie Almighty: Like I said, was too hungover to do anything.
Me: Okay, I…
Charlie Almighty: Final question, zippy. You’re boring me to hell — well, for the record — I hate hell…
Me: Why did you create it then?
Charlie Almighty: Let me finish– and for the record, I had to make a place to put dumbass sinners somewhere, don’t I?
Me: Yes, and–
Charlie Almighty: I said let me finish– It’s almost 9 o’clock, I need to do some smiting on my previous favorite show, “Two and a Half Men.”
Me: Okay, I–
Charlie Almighty: Too late! Time’s up! Back to your miserable life you go!
“Poof!”
I wake up, “That was the weirdest dream.”
Wife: What?
Me: Nothing, honey. I just dreamt about Charlie Sheen.
Wife: So did I, about Brad Pitt.
On the TV: “Breaking News! Massive earthquake in Hollywood! Building set for Two and a Half Men collapsed! Everybody died!”