All men have panic attacks (especially when it comes to getting women pregnant). A guy I know took panic attacks to a whole new level. He had the greatest panic attack ever!
Panic attacks are common, when my wife told me she was pregnant, I panicked like a wimpy little girl.
But my friend took panic attacks to a whole new level. He owns three big houses, a beautiful wife and was about to inherit a huge business empire… but like ‘most’ men, he succumbed to panic.
How did he show his panic? He got on his horse (only rich people have horse ranches in their backyards) and rode off, never to be seen again. He was gone for good. His name is Siddhartha (he’s Nepali). He had it all; several big houses, servants, huge mass of lands. Yet he panicked, like most dads do.
Oh by the way, Siddhartha went to a monastery, studied the path of enlightenment and changed his name to Buddha.
Yes, that Buddha. Who’s life accomplishments were so epic that up till now, he’s the only other person that’s held in high regards as Jesus.
All men have panic attacks. Especially on that life changing news how their lives will not be ‘theirs’ anymore (like having a baby). Because men are like animals, they are very territorial. Like dogs, we protect our territory, our belongings, our women. If some other dog makes a move at our woman; we bark, we growl, we bite. We have pride in everything we control, everything we own.
All dogs compete for power and territory. The strongest is the alpha male while the others bow down in submission. When another dog from another territory invades, a fight occurs and the strongest wins! But as humans, we are better and smarter than dogs – that’s why we invade other countries instead (We rape their women and enslave their children too).
We crave power.
Our biggest fear is losing control– losing freedom. We’ve worked so hard to be alpha males! Suddenly, some other dog bigger and stronger than us (an enemy we cannot defeat), takes control of our territory, our women and our belongings?
A baby is someone we cannot defeat. It means our lives will not be “solely ours” anymore. It’ll be about them from here on then, it’ll be all about that one foot tall person that doesn’t talk, doesn’t walk, craps on the floor and cries all day long.
Of course, dads panic. The biggest thing we lose is freedom.
- Say goodbye to that dream of buying a sports car and cruising down that coastal highway.
- Say goodbye to that countless hours you spend horsing around like an immature brat.
- or the infinite hours you spend on the couch; brain dead on the TV.
- Time to learn how to change diapers and how to hold your breath from that stinky poop.
Playtime’s over. Your time as an alpha male’s run out. Time to start slaving yourself to the “real alpha male” (the one who owns the company you work for). Submit as his employee and keep working for him just so you could keep buying milk, diapers and save for a college fund.
I have a brother who always seemed strong. He enlisted in the army the day after his wife told him he was going to be a dad.
Now that I think about it, joining the army ain’t that bad. Shooting down other men sounds better than changing diapers. Just carrying that wicked M16 will make you feel like an alpha male again. Bullets grazing over you and grenades exploding on your butt sure heck sounds a whole lot “manlier” than changing stinky diapers.
What did I do when I realized I was gonna start changing diapers? I whined and screamed like a little girl. Hey, even the great Buddha gets to panic, why can’t I?
So Before you criticize me, ask yourself this.
- Have you ever changed a diaper before?
- Did “you” yourself changed your kid’s diapers all throughout or did you hire a nanny to do it for you?
As for me. I already have a plan. I’m going to hire a nanny to change the diapers no matter what. The nanny I’m going to get… I also call her my wife.
Poor wife. I’m going to be completely useless when it comes to changing diapers.